The Bathroom Spider
I wake, I doze, I think a bit, I wake and doze and wake again
Not caring if it's half past four or six or eight or half past ten
"You lazy sot", I hear you think, "You're wasting half the precious day"
To which I answer drowsily, "Gimme a break, it's Saturday".
But Saturdays, it comes to mind, are just the same as any day
To creatures in the natural world who can't afford a holiday.
And just as I dismiss that thought and settle back to guilty dreams
My somnolence is shattered by a chilling fusillade of screams.
I stumble from the cosy bed and stagger naked to the fray
Prepared to slay a pride of lions or dragons if they're in my way.
I trace the screams along the hall and open up the bathroom door
My wife is cowering in the bath and pointing at the bathroom floor.
As dragons go the monster there was smaller than one might expect
When judged against the screams and such its presence brought into effect.
And further more a fainter heart would run when faced with such a sound
But made of sterner stuff than that the spider simply stood its ground.
In fact its stance seemed rather smug, which other notions brought to mind
Perhaps the spider rather liked its power over humankind
If that is so and spiders think, I'd dare to say on its behalf,
A lady quaking in the bath is bound to make a spider laugh.
The scope of spiders' intellect is something no one really knows
Perhaps it can, with all those legs, count up to forty on its toes
And building webs in complex ways that flies and moths cannot unpick
Requires the builder has a grasp of quite advanced arachmetic
Intruding on this reverie my lady's voice has gained an edge
With threats of violence unrestrained and doubts cast on my parentage.
If I don't get my act in gear and rescue her without delay
The retribution will be swift and last until my dying day.
A choice therefore before me lies with implications for my life.
To move the spider from the room or somehow move the frightened wife.
The second option seems to me the fastest way to end her plight.
So with a jug turned upside down I trap the spider out of sight.
Then gently with a kindly smile I show her that the danger's gone.
The spider is now locked away for me to deal with later on.
Accepting that this might be so and I have saved her from this doom
She smiles and lets me take her hand and lead her safely from the room.
She very quickly settles down and thanks me with a grateful hug.
And sends me back to extricate the spider from its prison jug.
I rummage in the office drawers and find a piece of useful card
And slide it underneath the jug to take the spider to the yard.
Once out of doors I lift the jug to set the patient spider free
But find it has already gone and wonder how this came to be.
A close inspection brings to light the jug has got a tiny spout
And maybe that was just enough to let the spider wriggle out
And so the matter comes to rest, a funny story in its way
The spider still patrols the house and lives to fright another day.
But this I ask, if you're my friend, and wish for me a peaceful life
Tell almost any one you like but please don't ever tell my wife.
Copyright Allan Bantick February 2018